I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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