I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
