does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
40s are totally the cure
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
