Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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