I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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