Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
