$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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