I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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