I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
false alarm, still single
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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