Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
