Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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