Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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