it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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