remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
