he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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