puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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