Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
What a fucking waste of an outfit
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
a search helicopter?!
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
