The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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