I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
