Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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