i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
