I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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