I should be sponsored by Trojan
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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