Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
