did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
