Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
