Can i not drive my cunt home
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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