she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
