Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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