Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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