she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
