He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
