the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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