Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
