I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
