Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
