I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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