Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
