You made me cry and you don't even care
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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