he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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