fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
