you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
