Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize