I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
