I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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