woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
