hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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