dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize