Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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