is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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