If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
