Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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