I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
