if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
