I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
