Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
