Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
