I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
