I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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