no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
