She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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