If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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