And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
