Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
