so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
