I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
