She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
