Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
