Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
