I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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