I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm gonna have a badass scar
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
